Comments on: poem of the day http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#utm_source=feed&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=feed disoriented in the orient Sun, 25 Jul 2010 13:18:02 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc By: Brendan http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/comment-page-1/#comment-757 Brendan Tue, 23 Nov 2004 01:13:43 +0000 http://bokane.org/newblog/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#comment-757 Todd - glad you liked the first stanza. I wish I'd been able to keep the rhymes going into the second - perhaps in a later revision. "At dawn the glass reflects her greying hair" is good, but the literal meaning of the original line is "At dawn, she grieves only [because, or to see] her cloudlike tresses change." I'm a bit less than literal on that one. As for the last two lines -- I interpreted them as the poet speaking, referring to wherever she is as "Penglai." I'm working from a non-annotated text, so I can't be sure, but I think that's the standard interpretation. Todd – glad you liked the first stanza. I wish I’d been able to keep the rhymes going into the second – perhaps in a later revision.

“At dawn the glass reflects her greying hair” is good, but the literal meaning of the original line is “At dawn, she grieves only [because, or to see] her cloudlike tresses change.” I’m a bit less than literal on that one.

As for the last two lines — I interpreted them as the poet speaking, referring to wherever she is as “Penglai.” I’m working from a non-annotated text, so I can’t be sure, but I think that’s the standard interpretation.

]]> By: Todd http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/comment-page-1/#comment-756 Todd Mon, 22 Nov 2004 18:00:36 +0000 http://bokane.org/newblog/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#comment-756 Wow, that first stanza came out really well in terms of sound. Near rhymes in an ABAB pattern, alliteration (especially appropriate for the silkworm threads I think), a very consistent meter except for the striking double stress on "Hard when" at the very start. What I'm not so sure about is how you mix first person and third person (blasted chinese poetry with no pronouns, eh!). I like the third person, and after setting up this kind of window where we watch her sadness from a distance, the "me" in the last line surprised me a bit. Or maybe a strategically placed colon could construe the last 2 lines as her song. Was this your intention? Oh, "In glass at dawn"...no definite article? Okay, it's acceptable, but it sounds like translatese. "At dawn the glass reflects her greying hair"? Wow, that first stanza came out really well in terms of sound. Near rhymes in an ABAB pattern, alliteration (especially appropriate for the silkworm threads I think), a very consistent meter except for the striking double stress on “Hard when” at the very start.

What I’m not so sure about is how you mix first person and third person (blasted chinese poetry with no pronouns, eh!). I like the third person, and after setting up this kind of window where we watch her sadness from a distance, the “me” in the last line surprised me a bit. Or maybe a strategically placed colon could construe the last 2 lines as her song. Was this your intention?

Oh, “In glass at dawn”…no definite article? Okay, it’s acceptable, but it sounds like translatese. “At dawn the glass reflects her greying hair”?

]]> By: Brendan http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/comment-page-1/#comment-755 Brendan Sun, 21 Nov 2004 05:55:15 +0000 http://bokane.org/newblog/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#comment-755 Out of place how? Out of place how?

]]> By: John http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/comment-page-1/#comment-754 John Fri, 19 Nov 2004 22:51:03 +0000 http://bokane.org/newblog/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#comment-754 I liked it, although I found the last line kind of out of place. I liked it, although I found the last line kind of out of place.

]]> By: Brendan http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/comment-page-1/#comment-753 Brendan Thu, 18 Nov 2004 00:10:19 +0000 http://bokane.org/newblog/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#comment-753 Oli - yeah; I decided that translating it as "Paradise" rather than "Penglai" was probably the most I could do in terms of explanation. "Olympus" is slightly tempting, but when you consider the theory that Li was writing these poems to a Daoist priestess, it kind of loses that appeal. Translating "Bluebird" there as 'Hermes' isn't a bad idea either, since the Queen Mother of the West used a bluebird as her messenger, but, again, it seems kind of jarring in a translation of a Chinese poem. (Likewise, I've been working on a translation of a Bai Juyi poem which makes reference to 扁鹊, and I'm trying to think of something less jarring than "Aesclepius" to translate it as.) Oli – yeah; I decided that translating it as “Paradise” rather than “Penglai” was probably the most I could do in terms of explanation. “Olympus” is slightly tempting, but when you consider the theory that Li was writing these poems to a Daoist priestess, it kind of loses that appeal.
Translating “Bluebird” there as ‘Hermes’ isn’t a bad idea either, since the Queen Mother of the West used a bluebird as her messenger, but, again, it seems kind of jarring in a translation of a Chinese poem.

(Likewise, I’ve been working on a translation of a Bai Juyi poem which makes reference to 扁鹊, and I’m trying to think of something less jarring than “Aesclepius” to translate it as.)

]]> By: oli http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/comment-page-1/#comment-752 oli Wed, 17 Nov 2004 22:19:21 +0000 http://bokane.org/newblog/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#comment-752 how about this for the last bit: Here to Olympus can't be far to travel, O Hermes, pray, go find her now! I guess you cant just go sticking greek gods in chinese translations though.. It's just distracting and silly. But yes, I liked it. Maybe "hard when we met, and harder when we parted." would be better. I think Li Shangyin had just broken up with his girlfriend when he wrote it. how about this for the last bit:

Here to Olympus can’t be far to travel,
O Hermes, pray, go find her now!

I guess you cant just go sticking greek gods in chinese translations though.. It’s just distracting and silly.

But yes, I liked it. Maybe “hard when we met, and harder when we parted.” would be better. I think Li Shangyin had just broken up with his girlfriend when he wrote it.

]]> By: jg http://bokane.org/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/comment-page-1/#comment-751 jg Wed, 17 Nov 2004 20:55:07 +0000 http://bokane.org/newblog/2004/11/17/poem-of-the-day/#comment-751 I like it! I like it! I still want to hear the rest of the Mo Jan story. I like it! I like it! I still want to hear the rest of the Mo Jan story.

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